The Airman's Club

When I first arrived at Keesler AFB in the spring of 1973 I spent many of my evenings at the Airman's Club... It wasn't so much because I liked to go out drinking (I really didn't) - it was mostly because I could :-) Yes - back in those days the drinking age on military installations was 18 and beer was dirt cheap (two for a quarter on Tuesday nights).

Aside: There were usually a few WAFs at the club but you couldn't get anywhere near them because they were surrounded by airmen, which totally mystified me... I don't know how to say this without seeming unkind, but (speaking from the perspective of a 19 year old airman) most of the ladies who hung out there were not "particularly attractive"... All I can figure is the guys must have been pretty drunk (and not very picky). But I digress...

Back in those days the Airman's Club wasn't in the triangle (a bit odd since that's where all the airmen were). As I recall, it was across base on 6th street (north of Meadows), which was about as far from the triangle as you could get. It was too far to walk so we typically took the shuttle bus that looped around the base. Now, the base buses were driven by civil servants who I'm quite certain (based on their demeanor) were retired training sergeants who had never fully accepted the fact that they no longer had any real authority over us. I mean - they probably could have gotten us in trouble if we were way out of line, but in the case of a minor offense they seemed to be pretty much powerless... The upshot is that whenever a driver tried to go "drill sergeant" on us we pretty much ignored him. And that leads to my first story:

Late one evening about 20 of us (all fairly plastered) boarded the bus to head back to the triangle. And as soon as we were all seated the driver closed the door, stood up and declared "I saw a beer get on the bus and I'm not going anywhere until I find it!"
The bus was dead silent for quite a few seconds, then Juneau (seated next to me at the very back of the bus) spoke up: "Sir? ... I think you must be hallucinating... Beers can't walk."
The bus exploded with laughter (it's even funnier when you're drunk) but the driver was not amused. He spent the next few minutes pacing up and down the aisle screaming at us and trying to find the culprit. (I sensed that he really wanted to search us but I don't think he had the authority.)
He finally got back behind the wheel and announced that weren't moving until someone confessed... I really don't know what he was expecting to happen - but nothing did. We all just sat there wondering what his malfunction was, and after about 5 more minutes he muttered under his breath and got underway...
I'm not sure why that incident stuck in my mind (although the mental image of a beer climbing onto the bus was priceless). It was just so typical "military" - people getting their shorts in a twist over the most insignificant things. The irony is that I don't think there ever was a beer on the bus. I mean, if the driver was that certain he saw it he would have known who was carrying it, right? ... It's no wonder that military retirees have such a short life expectancy :-)

Next (and last) story:
One night I ended up having drinks with a few airmen I didn't know very well, including one who kept blurting out "I've done that before!" in response to pretty much everything we said. And we weren't the only ones he was "sharing" with. He noticed some guys up at the bar buying beers and yelled "I've done that before!" And some people started dancing he yelled "I've done that before!"... Yeah - it was kind of funny at first but as the evening wore on it got pretty annoying...

Eventually it was time to head back to the triangle and one of the guys offered us all a ride. I didn't hesitate. (Anything was better than riding the bus.)

Aside: Yes - I know... You should never get into a car with someone who's been drinking, but the speed limit on base was 20 MPH and there was almost no traffic late at night - hence it wasn't considered a big deal and I never heard of a single accident the whole time I was there... But that has nothing to do with the story :-)

So it came to pass that five of us piled into an old Ford station wagon and I ended up sandwiched in the middle of the back seat next to "Mr. Eloquence" who was yelling "I've done that before!" out the window at every pedestrian we passed. (Apparently that was the only thing he ever said when he was drunk).

Not long after we got underway the driver exclaimed "I'd sure like to find me a sheep!" which prompted the front seat passenger to ask what what he meant by that, and the driver explained: "Sheep are the closest thing to human (anatomical reference) there is. All the guys up in my part of Montana know that." He expounded a bit more about the virtues of sheep and eventually said something like "Yeah - you just get on your hip waders and head out to the pasture."
At that point I really didn't want to hear any more about the topic (I was afraid he was actually being serious) but the inquisitive guy just had to ask what the hip waders were for... The driver's response: "Well, you grab the sheep's hind legs and stuff them down into the waders so she can't get away while you're f**king her!"

There was a long period of stunned silence, then the voice next to me said: "I've never done that before..."