The Waffle Guy

During the first couple of months I spent at Keesler AFB (in the spring of 1973) my room assignment (and / or roommate) seemed to change on almost a weekly basis...  I figure that was because Basic Electronics was relatively short term (high turnover) so they had to constantly shuffle us around to keep us grouped together in the same bays... Yeah - I vaguely recall having at least 6 different roommates and 4 different rooms during that period but I'm a bit hazy on the the details. (It has been 40 years...)

I do, however, clearly remember the worst of my roommates. The first thing he did when he moved in was inform me that he was dealing drugs and if I told anyone he would kill me, and (even worse) he grabbed the pack of colored pencils off of my side of the table and asserted they were his... Yeah - that was wierd... The only other thing I remember was that he had a '66 Fairlane GTA (390) and one night he flipped it and flattened the roof, so the next day he took a power saw and turned it into a "convertible"... Dumbass...

Then there was the roommate who left to go to the BX one day and returned less than a minute later informing me I might want to step outside while he changed his pants. Yeah - he intended to fart but that's not what happened... (I was highly amused)... But none of that has anything to do with the title of this post.

The "waffle guy" was one of the more interesting (and sad) characters I encountered during my time at Keesler... He lived across the hall from me for a while and I don't recall his name so I'll just call him "Wallace".

Historical footnote:
At the beginning of the 1970's the makers of Aunt Jemima frozen waffles launched a publicity campaign featuring a cartoon character (similar to the "Cocoa Puffs" bird) called "Wallace the Waffle Whiffer"... The general theme of the TV commercials was that every time Wallace caught a whiff of those particular frozen waffles he would start yelling "Waffle! Waffle! Waffle!" and track down the source (despite many obstacles in the way).

So - one day we were all standing on Falcon Street behind the dorm (waiting to form up) when a flight of WAFs (Women in the Air Force) marched past. And "Wallace" throws back his head and starts screaming "Waffle! Waffle! Waffle!" at the top of his lungs... At first everyone ignored him, but he did it again the next day, and the next... And eventually some of the other guys in the squadron joined in, and then it spread to the next squadron, and the next, and the next... And by the time I left Keelser, the "waffle call" could be heard all over the base...

Aside: I'm aware that it was all a bit sexist, but back in 1973 nobody really cared (the sergeants sure didn't)... And yes - the feminist movement was active by then, but societal attitudes take time to change. My point is that it was a different (less sensitive) era...

And while I'm on the topic: That was also around the time "gender neutrality" became a hot button topic. The Air Force response was to issue a regulation that redefined all gender specific terms (he, his, man-hour, etc.) as referring to a service member of either gender... Problem solved :-) ... But I digress...

The rest of the "waffle guy" story is both amusing and tragic... "Wallace" was in his late 20's and had joined the Air Force after losing his job as high school history teacher due to alcoholism. Yeah - there were a lot of alcoholics in the military back then, and (as I recall) Wallace was a particularly "entertaining" example thereof.

Now - one of the more popular items of subculture paraphernalia of the era was the "Fly United" poster. That phrase was the main slogan of United Airlines and the poster in question consisted of the airline logo (and slogan) above a pair of ducks mating in mid-flight... Yeah - you probably had to be stoned to think it was funny.

So, one Monday morning I walked into the latrine and discovered that one of the walls had been "decorated" with a faithful reproduction of the aforesaid poster... Yeah - apparently "Wallace" had gotten particularly drunk the night before and (unable to control his creative impulses) proceeded to "memorialize" the mating ducks in black marker. (It  was actually quite nicely done.)

Of course, at that moment I had no idea who the "artist" was, but later in the day I found Wallace repainting the latrine wall in its original dull green... Yeah - murals in the latrine are not the type of thing the military has a sense of humor about. (Actually, the military doesn't have a sense of humor about anything)... But Wallace had "fessed up" and the squadron commander had agreed to be lenient as long as the damage got repaired...

I wish I could say that was the end of the story (and I really don't know how it all turned out), but the next Monday morning I walked into the latrine, and there was another mural on the wall... This time it was a jungle scene featuring a pair of mating elephants, compliments of Wallace's drunken "alter ego"... Yes - apparently the commander had made the mistake of reciting a list of animals he did not want to see mating on his latrine walls, and he had failed to specifically mention pachyderms :-)