The Amused Bystander

This is a bit of a strange post - introspective and rambling - involving a 'thread' that runs through my childhood - and to be perfectly honest - most of my adult life... It's more about self-perception than reality...

I was the youngest in my family, and my parents and big sister were what I describe as "forces of nature"... They were larger than life. Their personalities filled the room. They were charismatic. They were the center of attention. People were awed by them. People listened to them. People believed in them. People followed them... And I rarely got a word in edgewise :-)

I was invisible - the dull one. I lived in their shadows - just observing, anticipating and reacting. I never saw myself as having the ability to effect change - I merely adapted... When I played dodgeball I rarely handled the ball - I just avoided getting hit. When I played soccer (in later years) I was a defender - calculating the angles - shadowing the opposing forwards - anticipating every move - and rarely making a mistake. And when I saw an obstacle I never thought about removing it - I focused on getting around it...

I was pretty young when I gave up trying to figure people out. They just never made a lick of sense to me. I finally had to conclude that humans (in general) lacked rational basis...
I was one of those kids that loved to disassemble mechanical devices. They made perfect sense to me - they were not only totally rational, they were downright beautiful. But people remained a mystery... And that's why I became an engineer :-)

So, how else did I spend my years in Philadelphia? I've already talked about the skiing and the tennis. There was also a lot of swimming, and occasional bowling and miniature golf - and frequent neighborhood baseball games. I loved my bicycle (it was a full-sized traditional American one-speed bike) and rode it all over the neighborhood.
But I was always uncomfortable in group setting - I never 'identified' myself with a group (not even the military). I was always just myself - part of the scenery - watching in amusement and amazement - the consummate bystander.

BTW - The whole "group dynamic" thing has always mystified me. An individual's behavior and thought processes seem to completely change as they move from group to group... What's up with the sports fan with the big gut screaming "We're number one!!!" while spilling beer on everyone around him? Does he not realize that he's merely a spectator??
And don't get me started on all the cliques in schools (and sometimes in the workplace). Why do some people seem to have no identity apart from a group? Or is it people like me who are incapable of being anything but individuals that are 'broken'? ... Probably a bit of both... I guess that's why I've never taken a psychology class - that would take all the fun out of pondering these things :-) But I digress...

Here's the point:
I'm sure I've mentioned many times that my parents fought - a lot. That last year in Philadelphia it was all they did. I didn't particularly like it, but it didn't really bother me that much either - there was nothing I could do about it... I wasn't the least bit interested in what they were fighting about (it was usually in Hungarian or German anyway). When the yelling started I'd just go outside or head to different part of the house... I did what I always do - I adapted...
BTW - A lot of people will find this hard to believe, but I was actually a 'neat freak' during those years. (Is that why the maid was so nice to me??) My room was my sanctuary in the sea of chaos.

It's kind of funny - I've always had anxiety issues but it didn't really "hit the fan" until I became an adult and realized that I could effect change and that my words and actions did impact others. I mean - why would anyone take me seriously??? ... Sigh ... It was so much easier being the amused bystander... :-)